Free Breakfast Bandits in Puerto Plata: Ocean World and a questionable Lifestyle Opportunity
A 27-hour crossing, stray dogs, a dubious “Lifestyle” resort tour, and marina Wi-Fi powered by hamsters. Sailing from Puerto Plata toward Samana—with rum declined but chaos accepted.
Welcome back to Kirsten’s version of Unanchored Life, the newsletter written by the voices inside my head, wherever the Wifi is weakest and the rum is the strongest.
As I write this we are holed up in the rather ambitiously named Ocean World Marina in Puerto Plata, Dominican Republic. It has been four days since our 27 hour crossing, and after serious self-therapy (also known as wine), numerous washing machine cycles and the discovery of the breakfast dish Mangu - mashed plantains that taste like a comforting hug - I feel duly recovered enough to take fingers to keyboard.
Puerto Plata is a town surrounded by Jurassic Park style mountains. Naturally the first thing we did was take the dog out for a walk to look for veloceraptors. But instead found a posse of fat stray dogs and a marine theme park also called Ocean World where droves of tourists arrive in buses every day to watch a couple of tired dolphins perform. No thanks.
What we did not give a pass to was the mysterious mega-resort lurking behind an endless wall we kept walking past. On day two, we were approached and “invited for breakfast” at something called Lifestyle Resort. Now I know what you are thinking, "Lifestyle, Kirsten? Isn't that code for some upside-down pineapple, swinger type, adults only activity? Well, calm your beating heart dear reader, the Lifestyle Resort is a sprawling vacation club, where folks can buy in at silver, gold or platinum status, depending on whether they want a studio apartment or a mega mansion to vacation in, and then utilize their membership in many parts of the world.
We were absolutely aware this was going to be a sales ambush, but let’s be honest—we wanted the free pancakes and a snoop around. So off we went.
Upon arrival we were greeted fondly and immediately offered pre-breakfast rum or champagne to butter us up for the pending wallet clobbering. Unlike the 10 or so other guests invited to experience the life changing epiphany of becoming a Lifestyle member, we declined, which I believe was judged as both suspicious and uncooperative. The resort itself is enormous—swimming pools, spas, buffets, air-conditioned everything, and even a duty-free shop so guests don’t have to endure the horror of buying souvenirs anywhere remotely local.
Our tour guide, Luis was lovely and I felt a little sorry for him knowing we were less "prospective buyers" and more "free breakfast bandits". After the hour long tour (it usually takes 2 hours but we begged for mercy), we had to sit and wait for the "sales manager" aka Mr Thumbscrews. More rum was offered, more rum was declined. I will save you a blow by blow account of the reaming, but the concept is that you are so impressed by the Lifestyle (TM) opportunity (and possibly drunk) that you hand over wads of clams without any more due diligence than another glass of rum and pure faith that this multi-national company has the best intentions for your nest egg. When we politely explained we don’t spend thousands of dollars based on a sticky laminated price sheet, waved under our noses, and no paperwork to peruse but enough rum to fill the bahia, we were quietly demoted and escorted out. But we did get our tour guide to sign up for this newsletter - so hola Luis! May the odds ever be in your favor!
This aftenoon we start another 17 hour float to Samana, further to the East. We will be staying at the Puerto Bahia Marina which sounds dead fancy and lux. Captain Silver Fox mentioned we might only stay one night...but one look from me corrected that dangerous line of thinking.
And finally—here’s my latest YouTube offering. Creating these masterpieces with marina Wi-Fi that runs on hamster wheels and boat Wi-Fi billed like a jumbo mortgage is becoming a heroic sport. But with 230+ subscribers and over 10K views in under a month, I’m clinging to it as my main form of therapy…as I’m running out of wine.
What would you rather see more of; videos or rambly newsletters? (There is no third option of "neither"). Let me know.
Stay tuned. More misadventure imminent.